Wow, this week has been so so hard. I have been so anxious, so sad, so self-absorbed and desperate. I told myself if I felt this way at the end of the week, I would go ahead and sign up for the surgery. But maybe part of the reason I feel this way is because I don't think surgery is an option right now. You see, the sciatica is feeling better. For the past few days it has been more of an annoyance than a severly disabling problem. That's not to say it won't get worse, but for now, it's not even close to warranting a surgical invervention. I should be happy about that, right?
But here's the problem: I'm still in a lot of pain. The muscles in the right side of my back, from my shoulder blade almost to my waist, are absolutely screaming at me. This problem does not make me unable to walk, the way my sciatic pain did. It just makes me miserable. For the most part, every minute I am up and around is a minute that I wish I were lying on a heating pad. I went to acupuncture twice this week, and it felt so good when she rubbed and stuck needles in my sore spots. But the relief didn't last, and she told me today that if it didn't help, there wasn't anything else she could do. I am absolutely filled with panic that now I have a new pain that there is no easy fix for. I feel emptied out, isolated, crippled by fear.
I need to tell myself a different story about my body. I need to tell myself it's good news that my sciatica is improving. I need to tell myself that this other pain will improve too. Nothing stays the same forever. It may take a little time. It may try my patience and my sanity, but it will get better. I need to tell myself that I won't let this pain rule me, that I will keep living my life despite it. I need to tell myself that this pain has something to teach me. But it seems I am stuck in just wanting it to go away. I am stuck in wishing for the life in which I didn't have to push through pain and discomfort just to do the basic tasks of life. I'm going to try telling myself that new story over and over. It's all I can think of to do.