With regards to that last post, as John Steinbeck would say, "There are as many worlds as there are kinds of days, and as an opal changes its colors and its fire to match the nature of a day, so do I." What an eloquent way to talk about the way that one day your life can feel like a prison and the next a paradise, even though nothing about your circumstances has changed. That was one of the bad days as a parent. (I am reading Travels With Charley right now and, wow, the flashes of brilliance are nearly blinding. Steinbeck is my hero.)
But the one feeling that seems to be remaining fairly constant is this one: It's time for a new job. I have become a bit addicted to some of the benefits of my job: the part-time flexible schedule, the nice title, the opportunities for travel, the working from home that allows me to care for my kid and dog in the way that we've become accustomed. Because of those things, I've tried to tamp down the feeling that this isn't the right role for me. I'm not meant to work alone, feeling the full responsibility of whether the organization succeeds or fails squarely on my shoulders, and trying, with few resources and little support, to figure out how to do something amorphous and confusing and difficult.
I promised myself after I was freed from the hellish prison of my last job that I would never allow myself to feel so trapped again. I wouldn't stay in a job that wounded my soul.And lately, it's just starting to feel like the costs of this job outweigh the benefits. Every day, I have this psychic struggle. I have to battle through the feelings that it's hopeless, that I'm not good enough, that I'm lazy/stupid/doomed to fail. A few factors have come together recently to prey on these feelings and increase them to a fever pitch. I'm always telling myself that I need to get over the fear and worry, that I shouldn't sell myself short, that I can do all these scary things. But I'm starting to think it's time to cry uncle. A job that makes me feel this way isn't the right one for me. The only thing that has made me feel better lately is thinking about my next move. Realizing that this job isn't who I am, and thinking about the possibilities for change. So I think that means that a decision to move on, even if it's to a job that feels less ambitious or has a lesser title, is not made out of fear but out of love and care for myself. I hope that's true.
But that leaves me in the spot of looking for a new job, which can be a very difficult, time-consuming and ego bruising chore. I will do it, but I don't relish it. And I am scared as hell to go back down that path of applying for and being rejected for jobs. And at the same time as I am planning to scale that little personal Everest, I still have to get up every day and figure out how to do this job I have and fight off all the gremlins who shout, "You're doing it wrong! You're a failure!" all day long. Don't they ever get tired?
So things feel a bit stressful and up in the air and scary right now. I feel like I'm on the precipice of change, but I'm not sure yet how to open the door or what will be on the other side or whether I'll be making the right decision if I step through. But I'm starting to feel like it's no longer tolerable to stay on this side of the door either. (How's that for a tortured metaphor?) Not the best place to be in. Also not the worst. This is how life goes. Things fall apart, and put themselves back together, and fall apart, and the cycle just keeps going and going.