I went to my first "dharma talk" at the Buddhist center on Sunday. It was weird. There was chanting and bowing and I'm not sure what to think about it all. But the guy (lama? monk?) said something that stuck. He said there are three stages in the spiritual journey. In the first, you are walking down the street and there is a giant hole. You aren't paying attention, you never see it and you fall in. In the second, you see the hole, but you fall in anyway. And in the third, you learn to walk around the hole. I am firmly, squarely in stage two. I should celebrate this as a victory. Instead, I'm just pissed off that I'm in this damned hole again.
Yesterday, I came up with a plan for tempering my urge to break all my internet rules. Every time I get the urge, I am to take three conscious breaths and then decide whether to follow the urge. It's amazingly effective, when I can actually do it. Have failed to do it many times in the past 24 hours.
I've been sleeping great recently. No meds, no herbs, no nothing. It's wonderful. I know this period will not last forever, but it helps to remember that my body actually is capable of falling asleep naturally. One thing that helps is that every night, I lie down in bed and consciously think about how grateful I am for my soft bed, my warm blankets, my cotton sheets, my quiet, dark room, my safe neighborhood and my relatively stable country. I think about people who lie down every night without these luxuries and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
What do you do when you have friends who make you feel used and dead inside? But then, every time you decide you are finished with them, they offer you something that is just irresistible, and you accept. And then you are indebted to them again. And then the cycle continues. Just accept that you are more business partners exchanging child care and not friends? Or listen to your gut telling you that this isn't a healthy relationship for you?
For the rest of today, I am to be like a piece of dandelion fluff. Just floating along, not invested in anything, going with the flow. What kind of small talk does dandelion fluff make?
P.S. I feel bad for Demi Moore. Life ain't easy, even when you're famous.
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