It turns out there are plenty of ways to waste time on the computer, even within the confines of my rules. I have been (mostly) obeying them, but I still seem to end up in the same cycle every day. I waste the first hour, maybe hour and a half, of my work day screwing around on the computer. Then I end up rushing like a crazy person at the end of the day, literally working until 4 minutes before I am supposed to be at school to pick up Mia. And then I'm thinking, why did I waste that hour this morning???
The urge to avoid starting my work — and all the pressures and questions about the future that come with it — is just so strong. Work feels hard and a little bit scary. So I tell myself I'll just relax for a bit while I drink my coffee, do my daily Facebook and blog check, read a little email. The next thing I know, I'm bleary-eyed and guilty and an hour has passed, and then it's time to take the dog out again and I still haven't started my work. I may only check FB once a day, but I can spend a half hour there, watching people's meaningless videos and clicking their links. The other day, when I had to edit a piece of writing that I've been working on forever, I spent hours reading the archives of my own blog. No rules about that, right?
But all hope is not lost. As Mr. Zen Habits would say, being aware of what I'm doing is the first and most important step to making positive change. And I am fully aware. I'm just going to keep trying, tweaking my rules when necessary, and forgiving myself when I don't measure up to my expectations. I think it might not be possible for me just to jump headlong into work each morning, and I can accept that. But I'd like to work toward using the time I spend procrastinating in more positive ways. Writing, cooking, doing yoga--whatever. That's why I'm here this morning, forcing myself to write this before I dip into Facebook.