This month seems to be moving extremely ... S L O W. Work is slow, and my days seem to stretch out forever. This respite from busy, busy, busy should be a relief. It should be a time to catch up, to revel in taking time to read a novel or meditate, to exercise more, work on project declutter and catch up on all that work stuff that remains perpetually at the bottom of the to do list. And I probably have done most of that stuff (all except catching up on work), but what is most noticeable about this expanse of free time is a feeling of discomfort and fear. I'm afraid that I'm not doing enough, not using my time wisely, not proving myself necessary. The fear makes me unable to start anything. And, as always, my coping mechanism is to avoid it all by sitting immobile in front of the computer and becoming progressively more dead inside.
But the best, the absolute best, feeling is when I start to get that glimmer of hope that this period of paralysis is coming to an end. And today, just now, I got that glimmer. I had a phone conversation with a mentor, and I didn't think it would help, but it was on the calendar and I did it out of obligation. And suddenly I saw the possibilities and the concrete steps I could take to make them happen. They say you need periods of both wretchedness and inspiration. The wretchedness softens you up, makes you compassionate. Well, let's just hope that I've gotten my wretchedness out of the way for a while, because I am more than ready for some inspiration.