I've kind of fallen down on my goal of posting every week day. But you know what, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. There is always this moment to try again.
So, I really need to go to bed, but I will dash off a few quick thoughts before I do. This week, my former employer announced another round of layoffs. It's the first since I was shown the door, a year ago. And I have to admit, there is some gratification in not being the last. I'm not sure what it is. But I do know that this fresh round of layoffs is confirming all my feelings that the end was inevitable, that they were doing me a favor by forcing me to find a new path sooner rather than later. How can they go on like this, with no light at the end of the tunnel? I want to scream at all of them who still work there, "Get out of there before they crush your soul completely."
I have been pretty stressed about salary negotiations and other bureaucratic bullshit happening with my job. But then I heard the layoff news and everything shifted into perspective. All the fear and awfulness of working at that place came flooding back. Suddenly, it occurred to me that I was given my freedom. But an awful lot of people have now spent two solid years living with the fear of layoffs and the increasing workload and the toxic atmosphere and all the other psychological torture of working in that place. All those people are still in that place that I left behind, still feeling trapped and lost and terrified and having no idea where they will go next. And while I am sorry for them, I also feel so grateful. I feel so happy for myself that I am no longer stuck there, trying to convince myself that I can just keep my head down and keep going, that I can swallow whatever indignity comes next, that having a job is worth anything they throw at me. Whatever problems I have at my new job are miniscule in comparison, and I pray that it will always be so.
Right now, I am feeling good. I have a palpable sense of my blessings. Yesterday, Mia and I walked to the library on a sunny winter afternoon. We talked about our upcoming ski trip, and the dog we plan to adopt when we return. And I thought, "How lucky am I to be free to spend a sunny afternoon with my daughter?" So often, I cannot feel how lucky I am. I feel weighed down by the mundane business of life. I feel frightened by all the things I cannot control. But for right now, I feel the miraculousness of a priveleged life where every moment offers a chance to do something good. So let's just go with that.