I have millions of realizations all the time, but here are a few of the latest:
- My house is never going to be clean and organized. It's important that a house be relatively sanitary, that floors get vacuumed, kitchens wiped and toilets cleaned occasionally, but it's not important that it be neat, organized or spotless. As much as I would like for my house to be neat and clean, it goes against my nature to put in the effort that it would take to keep it that way. I hate to clean, and as much as I want to be the kind of person who puts things away right after I use them, I don't think it's ever going to happen. I live in a relatively small space with people who have trouble getting rid of things and also have messy natures. We don't have much storage space and don't have the organizational skills to create good systems for keeping things out of sight. Our house is always going to look cluttered and lived-in and slightly out of control, and I just need to find peace with that.
- I am profesionally bi-polar. In this job, as well as my previous, I seem to veer between desperation and elation. I am either convinced that I am a total fraud and failure that that it will never get any better, or I am on fire with ideas and motivation. This is not a good way to be productive and happy at work.
- I am easily overwhelmed. I have this tendency to focus not on what I am doing, but on all the other stuff there is to do that I am not doing. And then I despair because I will never get it all done. And then whatever I am doing becomes a misery because it feels so utterly futile. For example, if I am cleaning the toilet, I am noticing that the floor needs to be mopped and the tub needs to be scrubbed and the mildewed caulking needs to be scraped out and the shelf needs to be decluttered and the paint needs to be touched up. And how will I ever, ever get all that stuff done? I won't, and my house is a hellhole and it's never going to get better. If only I could bring my housekeeper back. All this cleaning is ruining my life. Aaaahhhhh! Yes, my crazy brain has found a way to make cleaning a toilet 10 times more miserable.
- I need to do the secret summer vacation again.