Today I am full of fear. No particular tragedy has befallen me; it's just that some days the vulnerability of being alive comes to rest on my shoulders and I am trapped. It started two nights ago, when I woke from a nightmare that my mother had been diagnosed with some kind of terminal brain disease. The fear of that dream stayed with me through the day, infusing everything (including Mia's school dropoff) with a sense of doom. I had hoped that today would be a fresh start, but instead I woke at 5 a.m. to go to the bathroom and was gripped by the fear that my mother is going to die. It spiraled outward from there. What will her death do to Mia? And maybe I've made the wrong choice not to give Mia a sibling, because all the people who love her are OLD and they're all going to DIE and what if she ends up all ALONE? Maybe I could talk to her older half-brothers, ask them to befriend her if this happens. Can she ever be close to them with such a huge age difference? I eventually fell back into a fitful sleep, from which I woke tired and full of a sort of generalized dread. And here I am.
Lately, I feel completely raw, open to the world. In one sense it is joyful, but in another it is terrifying. When you are aware that anything could happen at any moment, that you control none of it, it makes you look at things differently. Sometimes, it leads my mind down a dark path. I'm hoping I'll break into a clearing soon.