I am on vacation! A real one, the kind where I don't have to go to work. Mia and I are leaving to visit my parents on Wednesday, but these past two days I have been true to my word. The farthest I've ventured is the Asian market in the next town over, the park on the north end of our city. I am loving the freedom of days at home, with Mia in daycare, to do whatever I want. I so rarely have days like this, because of my compulsion to go places. The idea of having time off work and not going someplace, anyplace, has always been unthinkable for me. But the idea that these days are completely free and open is a bit of a lie. Because I have been unable to resist the pull of the list. Since I never have time like this, I have to make the most of it. In fact, the only reason I am writing this blog post is because I am a bit ahead of schedule for today. You see, blogging wasn't in the schedule, but I'm stealing this little bit of time because I finished my gardening early.
I am crazy, aren't I? There is nothing wrong with getting things done, but there is something wrong with always worrying about the next thing on the list, to the point where it's sometimes difficult to enjoy the thing you are actually doing. I was watching a documentary the other night, and a woman made this observation about life, "It's all a tragedy. It's just a matter of how you get through it." Truer words were never spoken. My college Shakespeare professor once said that the only difference between tragedy and comedy was time. In a tragedy, they run out of time--to make things right or to uncover the truth or to do the right thing. And that is really the tragedy of life. That there is never enough time. Things could be perfect if we just had time to finish everything on the to do list.
I realize now that all my life I've been struggling against time, swimming against the constant overwhelming feeling that I have so much left to do, that the seconds are ticking away and every one counts. I have been making lists and crossing things off, trying to get ahead in a race I will never win. And I suppose that I will go on struggling to find the balance between too much and not enough, to feel that I am not wasting my precious too-short tragedy of a life.
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