Spoiled Only Child

Some things rattling around in my head:

• How do you know if you are lazy? Is that my problem at work? Am I just a lazy fuck? I've spent all these years saying that procrastination is "part of my creative process," and telling myself that some weeks are just like this, and wondering if maybe these lapses into complete non-productivity are the symptoms of deep psychological issues. But maybe I am just lazy. It's really not fun when you don't like yourself. Tomorrow I am going to wake up and try to be a productive, cheerful person who I might want to be friends with.
• Why do I worry about logistical things so much? We are having 10 people for Thanksgiving, and I'm nervous as all hell about cooking for this crowd. I've gone over my menu approximately 87 times and agonized about whether I'm making enough dishes, whether I should use veggie stock in the stuffing (1 vegetarian in attendance), whether one dessert is enough, whether it's OK to have two orange vegetables. I've written down which dishes I will make ahead. Tonight I made my shopping list, and I know I won't rest until every item is in the house. How can I change this about myself? It's one fucking dinner, and the guests are my family. Get a grip. (Yes, I'm talking to myself.)
• I love it when I am able to breathe and notice the beautiful things around me. The other day, in the midst of a pretty dismal week at work, I noticed the shadows of fluttering birds on the mini-blinds. I stood and watched it for a minute, and it may have been the nicest moment of my entire week. Our office is generally considered a shithole, and after 10 years of working between those gray walls, I would have never imagined finding even the smallest glimmer of beauty there.
• Is my list-making fetish a valid organizational tool or a mental illness?
• Oh fuck the economy!!! Why hasn't Obama fixed this yet???

I despise titles

I am trying to recover from one of my miserable down periods at work. When I am in this place, I have absolutely nothing interesting to say. Sitting dully in front of a computer screen really doesn't make for fascinating prose. I have started to believe that I need a job that keeps me separated from the computer. I'm thinking park ranger, Whole Foods cheese clerk, maybe even garbage truck driver. But I'm not supposed to be rethinking anything big in my life right now. So I'm going to take some more moderate steps. I'm giving up blog reading again. From this moment until Jan. 2, no blog reading allowed. I am once again making exceptions for cooking sites, and for knitting blogs used to help me with specific projects I'm working on. Otherwise, no blogs! Also, no games. No solitaire, no Pacman, no Snood. The computer has the power to suck the life out of me, and I am fighting back.

Here's another random thing I want to talk about. I have the most annoying habit in the world. I play with my hair. It's this thing I've been doing since middle school, where I take a small piece of hair between two fingers and rub my thumb back and forth across the ends. I do it every waking moment. So much that I think I am getting carpal tunnel from it. My hands and wrists get sore by the end of the day. And everywhere I go, I am holding onto my hair doing this constant, nervous motion that is probably making me look like a mental patient. I want to quit doing it so badly. But efforts to quit have only strengthened the habit. That feeling of my hair bristling across my thumb is like some sort of drug to me. Writing it down here makes it sound utterly ridiculous. But short of shaving my head, I don't know what to do about it. After more than 20 years, I am sick to death of this little hair fetish. I want to quit. I'm hoping that declaring this publicly is the first step.

Now, let's think about some happy things:

1. I signed up for a Spanish class. It begins Dec. 10. I rock.
2. I have been sleeping really well lately. (Furiously knocking on wood.) I'm on a very low dose of my sleeping pill and hoping to be off within a week or so. We shall see how it goes, but at least I'm close again.
3. I've been doing really well in my quest to stop pushing myself. I'm going to work, taking care of my family and saying "Screw it" to the rest. It feels so good.
4. I am into knitting again. After a long period of having absolutely no desire to knit for many months, I am inspired and interested again. I've got a million things I want to get on the needles. Scarves and sweaters and hats. Fun!
5. I'm having a big crowd for Thanksgiving and I'm excited about cooking a great dinner and having lots of people around. I have a good attitude about a winter holiday. It's a miracle. May it continue through the Christmas season. I have hopes, I really do.

Ah, I feel better. Thanks, little blog, you really do help.

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I am feeling extremely stifled right now. The only thing on my mind is that little election we had on Tuesday. You know the one, where the black guy won? And now half the nation is all dewy-eyed with hope and optimism, running around hugging people they don't know and telling themselves that everything is different and better, that we are all saved. And the other half is shrugging and saying, "Oh well, he's got to be better than that guy who's had the job for the last eight years." And I guess a few are running around screaming, "Holy shit, an anti-American Muslim socialist just got elected president! We're all going to die!!!!" But I can't think of anything I could say that wouldn't get me fired if my employer one day discovered this website. So I guess I'll just leave it at, "Hmmm, looks like we have a new president. Very interesting."