I am so damned tired of myself. I am tired of getting up every day and going to work, taking care of my kid, making my dinner — all to the constant drumbeat of thoughts that I'm not doing enough, that this isn't good enough, that I should be doing more, more, more. I'm sick of not being able to read a book without thinking, Why haven't I written a book? Why am I just sitting here reading what someone else wrote? I'm sick of taking each step with the certainty that there is someplace better I should be heading. I should be earning a masters degree, taking in foster children, doing volunteer work, starting my own business, making new friends, learning to play an instrument, working harder at my job, finding a new job, having new adventures. I shouldn't be one of those people who just goes to work every day, goes home and eats dinner and watches TV, and repeats the cycle. I should be more, better, stronger. I make huge lists of goals and accomplish none of them, paralyzed at the enormity of it all. And then I use those lists as proof that I am a disappointment, a person who is failing to fulfill her potential.
I am so, so sick of it. And I think it's time for me to ask: Why the hell am I doing this to myself? Why? Right now, this moment, I declare an end to it all. This is my life right now. I'm raising a young child, working full-time at a job I care about, running a household and sustaining a marriage — and many days, those basic obligations take all of my energy. I no longer ask any more of myself. It is enough. I'm going to remember to give credit to what an important and exhausting job it is to mother a three-year-old. I'm going to give myself credit for the good I do in my work. I am going to feed my family local organic vegetables and rip ivy out of my side yard and play with Duplos on the living room floor — without thinking that I should be doing something more important. I am going to give myself a break, and remember that I don't have to achieve every one of my life goals this month, this year or even this decade.
I am also going to burn the massive list of goals that I created for myself at the beginning of 2008. And I'm going to set for myself instead two small manageable goals:
1. Make some progress toward learning Spanish.
2. Do some basic research about careers I might possibly want to get into, starting with teaching.
These policies continue until I am sleeping normally and feeling 100 percent sane.